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Home and more homesick than ever

Nov. 8th, 2009 | 11:38 pm
music: Bruce Springsteen

 I love my family so much, I can't believe how much it truly hurts to leave them after visits home. My house, I love my house. I'm just not ready to go back and leave my puppies. I feel sick and like I need a doctor... I do nooootttt want to see health services. Ugh, why is this so hard sometimes? I hate how much this can get to me. I really do like Purchase it's just hard to let go so much with my family. I can't wait for Christmas! I was excited for Thanksgiving but apparently that no longer belongs to my family any more and I'll be stuck with my sister's fiances weird family. I wish life were easier. I have to refocus myself right now.

On a hopefully far lighter subject I saw Springsteen for the 3rd time with my Dad Saturday night. It was amazing and I know I'll remember it forever. Elvis Costello even came out and played on the last song! Im so glad I'm so close with my parents, even if it can hurt me this much.

The movie Milk has made me want to be an even BIGGER feminist... It's making me like the idea of a major in Journalism and a minor in Women's Studies. Maybe this can keep the motivation going.

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Pumpkin Spice candles and Harry Potter consume my life now

Nov. 5th, 2009 | 04:23 am
music: Ella Fitzgerald




I really can't stay
But, baby, it's cold outside
I've got to go 'way
But baby, it's cold outside

I'm going home Friday, I am so excited. I haven't been in Roxbury for 3 weeks now! I plan on leaving early Friday and picking some stuff up from the store and going to my house and spend the whole day baking and doing laundry. I miss my house, I miss clean things. It'll be great to just hug my parents again.

Halloween weekend was such a success. Friday I went to the Rocky Horror Purchase Show and hung out with my friends, then I went in to watch Hoccus Poccus but then Katie, Harry and his friend Danny came in. They convinced me to come and go to the Latinos Unidos neon lights party at the Stood. So hot but so fun despite my lack of skill. Then we go hit on, I made some friends and we went to some apartment in... Alumni? No the New, It was actually a pretty fun night, I love hanging out with Katie and Harry! I wound up driving all of us to the White Plains Diner at 5 and fixing my tire at 8.

Then on Halloween I went to Rocky Horror again, I was in looovvvve with the Director/Frank he's fabulous. Won the costume contest. Got recognized by an RA and gave him a Redbull, we're now best friends. Then went to the suite and fixed myself up, hung out with the suitemates, took a couple of shots, met up with my friends and went to Alumni. There was a funk band playing DeRosa danced on a counter. I met up with Katie where her friends were starting up a sort of dance party in a suite in Big Haus. I wound up going back to Alumni though with Chelsea but midst "Thriller" they shut it down. Hung out back in the quad all night after that.

It was actually a really great time though, so glad I live with great girls!

Oh, I'm on disciplinary probation. Woohoo! I went to the hospital last weekend for alcohol. Super. Oh well, I have some stories now. I'm okay with that.


I love you Purchase but it's time for Thanksgiving and Christmas break now.

This evening has been
Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice
I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice

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Let It Be

Oct. 21st, 2009 | 11:27 pm
music: Brand New

Those days are dead, forgive me

 I'm so sick of how angry I've been. I'm sick of being mad. I'm sick of feeling so upset with people who no longer mean anything to my life. I used to be so nice and then it got destroyed by people I had truly cared about.

The reason I felt this hatred for them grew from their shitty actions in our friendships. They threw me away like I had never meant a thing to them. Maybe I placed too much importance on them in my life but I really thought they were special people at different points of my life.

So I'm done, I may make a joke here or there. Get mad on occasion when your nonsense shows up on Facebook but other than that I feel no need to do this to myself any longer. If you were worth it you'd still be in my life.

Enjoy each other and the creepy friendship you now share. I have better things to do with my time and to think about. I will not turn into a bitter bitch, not yet.

You want to sink, so I'm gonna let you

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She's like the bloodhound of dicks.

Oct. 13th, 2009 | 10:56 pm
music: Brand New

 
 
So there is a sickness that's going around
But no ones got a vaccine
I think it drowned in holy water
I think it's time we all come clean

I'm so sick, I wish I was home. I've come to really love the girls I live with though. Our common room is a mishmosh of so much awesome. I went to health services and found out I have a cold, a cough, pink eye, my allergies are going berserk and I should keep my asthma under better control. I've spent the last two days between my common room couch and my bed. I can't wait, I'm going home Thursday night after my Philosophy midterm. So scared for that. It's going to be good to be with my family. I need to be in my real bed when I feel like this. I saw blink-182 in GA at MSG, it was AMAZING. I was so close and I got to really dance to them. I loved it!

We went for my sister's wedding gown, she wound up buying the first one she tried on. It's gorgeous and it compliments her beautifully. I have one year to get ready for her wedding, it's going to be a lot of work but it's about time.

I miss my puppies... and my cat. I miss my friends too. It's weird. I don't know.

Fall Fest was rad. I saw a couple interesting bands. One had two drag queens dancing, they were pretty cool. Twin Sister intrigued me. I lovvvvvvvved mewithoutYou. They were amazing and I got to be in a crowd again. I loved them, they sounded even better live then recorded for sure.

Colbert, studying, thennnn sleep.

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"I smell like I did bad things."

Sep. 16th, 2009 | 12:32 am
music: Noisettes



and the summers end is here again and the leaves are golden
under the grand silver birch tree
while thinking about the people we meet, dancing feet
wasters on the cover of a magazine
people you've kissed, people you lost and the ones that you might not ever remember what's the use

I think I've hit the point where I feel at home here. I went through a small rough patch of self examination for a bit but now I feel like that's come to an end. I feel happy with the people I know, the things I'm doing. I miss home but I feel like I'm a part of here now. My friends are all so much fun and I seem to always have fun with them, especially now that a comfort is developing.

Last night was one of my favorite nights ever, not even since I've been here but ever. We all got very jovial and it was beautiful. We sang, laughed, and did whatever. I wound up in someone else's shoes because this girl Nicole wanted mine for the night. Me and Jen ran around a tree, I'm still not sure why, but I ended up falling.


I wound up laying on the grass with two of my friends and holding the one's hand all night. We saw four shooting stars! I told him the magic carpet story, oooh childhood. All and all it was a great night and it ended with him asking for a kiss which I obliged. I needed that.


Everything is different here but I think I've finally caught on.

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Freshman sandwich!

Sep. 5th, 2009 | 12:21 pm
music: of Montreal


 
Let's have bizarre celebrations
Let's forget who forget what forget where
We'll have bizarre celebrations

So I'm going home for Mardi Gras this Sunday, I am so excited. People miss me already and it really feels nice. I can not wait to see my friends from home and actually get to say bye to the people I didn't get to see. I love Mardi Gras, I love costumes, I love drunks, I love dancing, I love my family and I love my childhood friends. This is so great.

Last night was ammmaaazing, my friend Chris invited me to come with him to meet some of his friends at a party in the Olde. I wound up being the only one with him and them and they were ridiculously nice. Liz is wonderful and so are all her friends. Like I get kinda sexiled or there's a guy in my room every night and they offered for me to stay with them if i ever needed to or if I ever wanted a night of air conditioning. We went all over from the Olde to the New and then Alumni. I really like it here and that nights like last night happen again and that Chris's friends might not mind me tagging along again.

Chris is great and he got me, Jen, and Quinn to go to the Cheesecake Factory. I hate driving in White Plains and I think my Eugene is rebelling...

Good fucking week and it's not over.





They make college beautiful.



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I needed that, thank you.

Sep. 4th, 2009 | 11:15 am
music: Rilo Kiley

 
And It's bad news 
Baby I'm bad news 
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I love this place and these people. Last night was wonderful we all just let loose and had fun. I found out that my music taste is appreciated here. We sat in the quad all singing Say Anything, Bayside, and Brand New :D

Quinn told me I attracted weirdos (which I do) and then I told him I knew and it used to be because I was too nice but now
 I'm not sure if I'm even nice anymore. Quinn looked at me like astonished and goes "Are you serious right now? You're a great person. I love you!" and then he gets up and insists I hug him. Then DeRosa and Taylor got in on it, hahaha. It was honestly one of my best moments here so far.

Jen and I looked like lesbian lovahs walking around campus holding hands... it was just a really great night. Well until I got sexiled and spent most of my night on the common room couch. Oh college!

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We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs

Sep. 1st, 2009 | 10:46 am
music: Architecture in Helsinki

And we're slow to acknowledge the knots on the laces
heart it races
and we go back to where we moved out to the place

So here I am at SUNY Purchase. It's a weird adjustment and all of us are trying to figure out how to manage it. My room feels like it needs more homey touches so I'm determined to add to it through more time. I had my first day of class yesterday which were Spanish 1, College Writing, Intro to Media, and the Philosophy of Good and Evil. I loved them all in some way. I really think I'm going to get something out of all this. It's all new and I'm really excited.

Jen and I are soulmates and it's beautiful. We spent the other night just talking about Max Bemis. Between her and all the other kids I'm usually with I think I'm really going to like college. I'm giving it some time before the freshmeness wears off.

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Oh but we go out at night

Jul. 10th, 2009 | 02:49 am
music: Taking Back Sunday



To hell with you and all your friends
To hell with you and all your friends, it's on

I'm back after being reluctant to write again, I feel like everything is so temporary and yet always exactly the same and when I write about it I'm just messing with my own head. So instead of dwelling on what keeps me trapped I'd like to move on from here as much as I can without actually getting to leave yet.

Orientation at Purchase is in 4(well 3 if I'd slept) days. I'm sickeningly excited... which is totally brought on by how much I hate just about everything but my job at Kate's Market Place and real friends. I have these 4 dresses and I keep staring at them wondering which would represent me best to those classmates I'll be meeting and seeing this Monday. I've ruled out this like 20s inspired type dress and am basically ruling out the little sundress I wore to a house/birthday party this week. It's probably either this green dress that doesn't squish my chest or this navy blue dress with and red and white sunflowers on it over leggings.

I'll be bringing my camera with me, I'd like to get a couple of shots of whatever happens just for the sake of memories.

I'm nervous but so excited to get a taste of what's to come. I hope the other people there (especially those I haven't spoken with or met yet) are great and that I find many people to make friends with. I don't want to be the world's best friend or anything but I'd just like to learn about people. I want more life experience and variety.

I really and sincerely hope college is amazing, at the very least I hope it's better than here. I need to get out of this fucking town.







Oh and my hair is purple now.
 

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How Mischa got her groove back

Jun. 8th, 2009 | 01:36 am
music: The Smashing Pumpkins

 

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Reach out and touch faith

Mar. 5th, 2009 | 11:51 pm
music: You, Me, And Everyone We Know

Photobucket

So young and insane, we're so young and insane

I'm happy. No really, I'm actually happy. This is the first time in my whole life I have gone this period of time feeling so... great? It's strange as a person who's spent most of her life being upset, depressed, and lonely I don't know what to do with myself. I'm not moping. I'm not crying. I'm smiling though, that's odd. I'm loving being a senior, soaking up my last 3 months at Stella. I'm going to prom with the kid I actually WANTED to go with. My group of friends who I'm with all the time now are great and I want it to be this good for as long as absolutely possible. I've got more friends in general now. Life's so much better this way. Maybe on top of all this I can get myself to keep my room decent and lose some pounds. I'd like that.

I take my road test tomorrow morning. AHHHHH!!!! I'm so scared, I just want to pass so I can move on to driving Eugene, my Buick, whenever I want. I love him and he needs my attention.

More another time, I need sleep baaaad.

Oh and I never added on to the Blink reunion thing umm YESSSSSSSSS, SCOOOORREEE, WIN! YEAAAAHHH!

ANNNND I requested a roommate, her name is Myll and I'm stoked. AHH sleep okay, getting the fuck off now.

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Well I guess this is growing up.

Feb. 8th, 2009 | 05:51 pm
music: MGMT

 


Control yourself.
Take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanting,
To be haunted

Tonight will be one of the greatest moments of my life when I see Blink-182 back together at the Grammys. Oh if they are really recording an album (And hopefully TOURING) then I will die happy. Blink's my favorite band and it's been this way since I can remember. Unfortunately they broke up before I ever had a chance to see them, but I will HOPEFULLY have redemption soon enough. Seeing Blink would be the highlight of my life being that I thought I neverever would and because they're Blink... Johanna and I plan on watching the Grammys together tonight in order to freeeeeeaaak out together.

My weekend was lovely. I have a prom date. I'm doing good. I'm glad things aren't as shitty as they were a year or two ago. Things are looking up and I hope they remain that way. I'm so over being upset or like just bummed all the time.I just need to keep on accepting truths and dealing with them my own way. Time to grow up a little.

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Too many tests

Jan. 29th, 2009 | 06:44 pm
music: Brand New


 

Holding on to your grudge
Oh it's so hard to have someone to love
Keeping quiet is hard
'Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start
At least pretend you didn't wanna get caught

We're concentrating on falling apart
We were contenders, now throwing the fight
I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe in us



So I'm reading He's Just Not That Into You and I think it's going to save me a lot of pain and heartache. It's completely right. I think it will be my romance related bible thing. I just need to follow it's advice and I will avoid a lot of messy situations.

I can't believe I have to wait so long until college begins. I find myself in this weird position. I feel like I'm not really wanted around here anymore. I sincerely hope and wish that when I get to college I wind up making amazing friends or something like that. I feel like if I can manage that, good friendships, then I will have a great experience there.


I'd like to be like Jenny Lewis quite a bit. She's amazing.
 


Elliott Smith is amazing...

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Invisible Monsters

Jan. 21st, 2009 | 08:20 pm
music: The Colbert Report

What I wanted looked more and more like what I'd always been trained to want. What everybody wants.

Give me attention,
Flash.
Give me beauty.
Flash.
Give me peace and happiness, a loving relationship and a perfect home.
Flash.

The best way is not to fight it, just go. Don't be trying all the time to fix things. What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger. Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want.
It's the opposite of following your bliss.
Do the things that scare you the most.

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It's Cool, We Can Still Friend

Jan. 6th, 2009 | 09:44 pm
music: Weezer


 


Why bother? It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
Won't happen to me anymore


"The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman. Power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself. Answer to no one."
Thanks Lloyd Dobler, you've inspired my life.

Right now I feel a metamorphosis. I feel like now is a time for personal change and growth, a difference that will form me into a stronger person. I'm understanding that trust is a much more precious gift then I previously realized. From this moment forward I will only bestow my trust on those who show true friendship and loyalty. What's the point of sharing such a valuable confidence with someone who isn't worth it? Why waste it? It only ends in pain and heart break.

So for my New Years resolution I will experience new things, grow up, be a stronger person, have stronger convictions and of course loose a bunch of weight.

My thoughts are a bit clouded now but they always drift to college. I'm so excited but sometimes I get completely nervous. I want college to be sooooooo much better than high school which has been my own personal hell. One great thing I know is that this is not where I will peak.

Happy Belated New Years!


P.S. I desperately need a Mac!

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Friends are amazing!

Jan. 3rd, 2009 | 04:25 pm
music: Motion City Soundtrack



I’ll destroy this useless heart
I’ll fuck it up so it’ll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

I'm not quite sure what's happening anymore. Everything's changing and I think I'm being left behind and my attempts at catching up aren't going well. What's wrong with me? What have I done wrong?

Why do I care? Because I'm to sensitive maybe? I wish I wasn't a marshmallow, I wish I was like ice. Cold and hard. No one could touch me.



I guess I'm not beneficial to social climbing, so I'll just fade away. Blending into the background until I'm utterly forgotten.




I can't wait for Purchase. I'm so hopeful that it holds a different feeling for me. Less sadness and more happiness. I want to just start over. I can't wait. This fucking town is going to be my fucking past. This weak sad kid is going to be something else entirely. I welcome this pain now, it will harden me I hope. I want to be kind but I don't want to break.



The longer I hide behind these lies,
The more I disintegrate
There's so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

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Today You Can Spell Success M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E

Dec. 16th, 2008 | 05:42 pm
music: Smashing Pumpkins

 

Welcome to myPurchase, Michelle!

Congratulations! You have been accepted to Purchase College.

I AM INCREDIBLY HAPPY! I can't believe this, I was so scared and now I am just so jubliant that I honestly don't know what to do with myself! I don't have to apply to a single other school and waste my family's money. I can sit back and just know that I am off to my school.
 
When I read that I screamed and I mean screamed. My mom almost fell over and got all scared asking me what was the matter but I couldn't make words form or come out of my mouth if they could. I ran out to the kitchen and my dad came out of his office and I ran up and gave my mom a hug. Then screamed again. "What, what's the matter?!" But I couldn't breathe I stuck my hand out trying to show them to wait and with what I could muster I got out "I was accepted!" They lit up. I started crying uncontrollably.

This is one of the most excellent moments I have ever had in my entire life. I feel like everything has been worth it. All the work and effort I put forth gave me back some of the greatest news I could have ever wanted. I can't wait to tell everyone and their mom, literally. It's my sister's birthday so after she comes and we celebrate that I fully intend on sprinting to my friends houses so I can tell them.
 

I could make you sick, that's how insanely happy I am.

 
Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known

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Received!

Dec. 10th, 2008 | 04:43 pm
music: Keane


Welcome to myPurchase, Michelle!

We are in receipt of all of your required application materials. Your application is currently under review. You should receive a decision in the mail within the next 7- 10 business days. Or you can check back online.


YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now all I have to do is get in... I really hope- no you know what I NEED to get in. It's the only place I can even see myself next year. My grades aren't exactly fantastic but they're not the worst. I've been a volleyball player, a tutor, a club member and an honor student. I've stayed after school for hours and hours just trying to do better. I've been a good person, I've made decent choices and I've worked really hard. I'm no where near perfection but that doesn't mean I haven't done everything in my power to be better. I did my best through my own bouts of insanity and I've cried my way through a lot of disappointment and humiliation. All I want is to go to this school and after everything I've done and been through I think that I deserve that. Just that one accomplishment to maybe push me into a better future.

These last few years in high school have shown me all the angst and depression I could have ever endured and I'm hoping that maybe this chapter of my life could come to a happy conclusion. Something along the lines of 'and it was all worth it.' I just want to have something to look forward to, something to keep me going.

If I don't get in then I'm not sure what that will mean. I know that if I don't get accepted then I will not react well. I'll try to control my reaction because of my mother but other than that... I don't know. I'll wind up at some school I'd rather not attend. Probably one with lots and lots of greek life if I'm lucky. Maybe even a catholic university! And I'll be miserable. Especially if I'm surrounded by gangster wannabes. They're super. Oh my hopes are so high...


Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

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Some postman is groovin' to all my college letters

Nov. 26th, 2008 | 01:59 am
music: Bishop Allen

Everybody's saying
That I'm not so cool
So I'm going back to charm school
Charm school

 
They still haven't gotten my application.
It was sent October 27th, that's basically a month ago. Nerrrrves!
I hope they have it and just have neglected to update or send me anything. That'd be super! No joke, that's better then like it got lost in the mail.

Congrats to [info]hello___tragedy  for bing accepted, that's amazing!!!! : )

Thank goodness for a little break time coming up soon.
I get out of school at 11:19 tomorrow, sooo pointless. haha

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Hello My Name Is Anida Harecutt

Nov. 17th, 2008 | 10:13 pm
music: Bloc Party





Run run run run run run
And you cannot run or ever, ever escape
You cannot run or ever hide it away
Something glorious is about to happen
The reckoning

I do not understand much right now. My lack of focus and my total subconscious effort to be a procrastinator are going really well. Purchase still hasn't received my full application. Fuck you Stella, I know this is your fault. If I loose my chance at happiness because of you heads WILL roll (I don't get that phrase really but it fits).

We returned to a winter of Kelly's basement on Saturday. Success was achieved though, it was rather fun. After we left there we found a "keg" going on in the dunes along the bay. I did not know a single kid there but that didn't matter. Johanna and Julianna managed their first keg stands, it was hysterical.




I think I'm winning my war for my prom date. It appears more like that is true with many statements I am witnessing. They no longer seem to be speaking or at least peacefully doing so. Other girls keep saying I dominate her by far, girls who aren't inclined to say so in anyway. Our wedding was planned today by these sophomores who found out we go to concerts together. I tried to tell them that we were only friends who go to concerts together. No, we do not hold hands or touch. We talk and joke. I wish we touched. I wish. I kept that last bit of hope to myself though. One of them said "I see it now, looking at you. You two together would be so cute, maybe perfect!" I disagree but mostly because I fear my feelings are NOT reciprocated. If they are...

I need new clothing. Some american apparel, some cheap mondays, some ebaying and some thrifting. I fail though because I lack funds and I lack the thin body I need to dress the way I love. I'm an epic fail.

Oh well. I guess there's no time like the present to stop procrastinating. I need to get over this mental block. I will loose all the weight I want to loose. I will succeed. I will get the fuck out of this house. I will not loose my mind like so many around me seem to be. I will never be my mother no matter how much I love her. I will be the person I want to be.

Here's to sitting in all my classes with almost no one while the rest of the senior year is on religious retreat. Should be great. haha

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